module Rantly::Silly::Love

Public Instance Methods

address() click to toggle source
# File lib/rantly/silly.rb, line 24
def address
  "my #{extremifier} #{pedestal_label}"
end
caused_by() click to toggle source
# File lib/rantly/silly.rb, line 64
def caused_by; end
double_plus_good() click to toggle source
# File lib/rantly/silly.rb, line 36
def double_plus_good
  choose 'holy', 'shiny', 'glittering', 'joyous', 'delicious'
end
extremifier() click to toggle source
# File lib/rantly/silly.rb, line 28
def extremifier
  choose 'most', 'ultimate', 'unbelievable', 'incredible', 'burning'
end
fantasy() click to toggle source
# File lib/rantly/silly.rb, line 90
def fantasy
  freq \
    proc {
      make = choose 'raise', 'nurture', 'bring into the world'
      babies = choose 'brood of babies', "#{double_plus_good} angels"
      good = double_plus_good
      effect = choose "the world becomes all the more #{good}",
                      "we may at the end of our lives rest in #{good} peace.",
                      "you, my #{pedestal_label}, would continue to live."
      "we would #{make} #{babies}, so #{effect}."
    },
    proc {
      do_thing = choose('kiss', 'hug', 'read poetry to each other', 'massage', "whisper empty nothings into each others' ears",
                        'be with each other, and oblivious to the entire world')
      affect = choose 'joy', 'mindfulness', 'calm', 'sanctity'
      "we would #{do_thing} with #{double_plus_good} #{affect}"
    }
end
fragment() click to toggle source
# File lib/rantly/silly.rb, line 59
def fragment
  fun = fantasy
  choose "i hope to god #{fun}", "i believe #{fun}", "i will that #{fun}"
end
groveler() click to toggle source
# File lib/rantly/silly.rb, line 78
def groveler
  choose 'slave', 'servant', 'captive', 'lapdog'
end
how_i_feel() click to toggle source
# File lib/rantly/silly.rb, line 40
def how_i_feel
  choose 'my heart aches', 'my spine pines', 'my spirit wanders and wonders', 'my soul is awed', 'my loin burns'
end
humbleizer() click to toggle source
# File lib/rantly/silly.rb, line 74
def humbleizer
  choose 'undeserving', 'insignificant', 'unremarkable', 'fearful', 'menial'
end
i_am_stalking_you() click to toggle source
# File lib/rantly/silly.rb, line 86
def i_am_stalking_you
  "every #{time_duration} i #{stalk_action}"
end
letter(n = 3) click to toggle source
# File lib/rantly/silly.rb, line 11
  def letter(n = 3)
    body = array(n) { paragraph }.join "\n\n"
    <<~EOS
      #{address}:

      #{body}

      #{sign}

      #{post_script}
    EOS
  end
paragraph() click to toggle source
# File lib/rantly/silly.rb, line 44
def paragraph
  array(range(2, 4)) { sentence }.join ' '
end
pedestal_label() click to toggle source
# File lib/rantly/silly.rb, line 32
def pedestal_label
  choose 'beloved', 'desire', 'dove', 'virgin goddess', 'existential solution', 'lighthouse', 'beacon', 'holy mother', 'queen', 'mistress'
end
post_script() click to toggle source
# File lib/rantly/silly.rb, line 82
def post_script
  "ps: #{i_am_stalking_you}, and hope that #{fantasy}"
end
sentence() click to toggle source
# File lib/rantly/silly.rb, line 48
def sentence
  freq \
    proc {
      "when #{how_i_feel}, my #{pedestal_label}, i feel the need to #{stalk_action},"\
           "but this is not because #{how_i_feel}, but rather a symptom of my being your #{whoami}."
    },
    proc { "because you are my #{pedestal_label}, and i am your #{whoami}, no, rather your #{whoami}, #{fragment}." },
    proc { "do not think that saying '#{how_i_feel}' suffices to show the depth of how #{how_i_feel}, because more than that, #{fantasy}" },
    proc { "as a #{whoami}, that #{how_i_feel} is never quite enough for you, my #{double_plus_good} #{pedestal_label}." }
end
sign() click to toggle source
# File lib/rantly/silly.rb, line 70
def sign
  "your #{whoami}"
end
stalk_action() click to toggle source
# File lib/rantly/silly.rb, line 109
def stalk_action
  choose 'think of you', 'dream of us together', 'look at your picture and sigh'
end
time_duration() click to toggle source
# File lib/rantly/silly.rb, line 113
def time_duration
  choose 'once in a while', 'night', 'day', 'hour', 'minute'
end
whoami() click to toggle source
# File lib/rantly/silly.rb, line 66
def whoami
  "#{extremifier} #{humbleizer} #{groveler}"
end